The Quran and Sunnah on Avoiding Quarrelsome Behavior and Promoting Harmony
A quarrel is an angry dispute or disagreement between two or more people or groups. Some possible signs of a quarrel are:
- Raised voices or shouting
- Name-calling or insults
- Interrupting or talking over each other
- Blaming or accusing
- Ignoring or avoiding
- Threatening or ultimatums
These signs may indicate that someone wants to quarrel with you or that you are already in a quarrel. However, not every disagreement is a quarrel, and sometimes people may express their feelings in different ways. The best way to avoid or resolve a quarrel is to communicate calmly and respectfully, listen to the other person's perspective, and try to find a compromise or solution that works for both parties.
Here are some ways to avoid each of these signs of a quarrel in the light of the Quran and the sunnah:
- Raised voices or shouting: The Quran says,
وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِنْ صَوْتِكَ إِنَّ أَنْكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ
"And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys." (31:19)
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"Whoever is humble for the sake of Allah, Allah will raise his rank." (Muslim)
- Name-calling or insults: The Quran says,
یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا یَسۡخَرۡ قَوۡمࣱ مِّن قَوۡمٍ عَسَىٰۤ أَن یَكُونُوا۟ خَیۡرࣰا مِّنۡهُمۡ وَلَا نِسَاۤءࣱ مِّن نِّسَاۤءٍ عَسَىٰۤ أَن یَكُنَّ خَیۡرࣰا مِّنۡهُنَّۖ وَلَا تَلۡمِزُوۤا۟ أَنفُسَكُمۡ وَلَا تَنَابَزُوا۟ بِٱلۡأَلۡقَـٰبِۖ بِئۡسَ ٱلِٱسۡمُ ٱلۡفُسُوقُ بَعۡدَ ٱلۡإِیمَـٰنِۚ وَمَن لَّمۡ یَتُبۡ فَأُو۟لَـٰۤىِٕكَ هُمُ ٱلظَّـٰلِمُونَ
"O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames." (49:11)
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection." (Bukhari)
- Interrupting or talking over each other: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good or keep silent." (Bukhari and Muslim)
- Blaming or accusing: The Quran says,
یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱجۡتَنِبُوا۟ كَثِیرࣰا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعۡضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثۡمࣱۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا۟ وَلَا یَغۡتَب بَّعۡضُكُم بَعۡضًاۚ أَیُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمۡ أَن یَأۡكُلَ لَحۡمَ أَخِیهِ مَیۡتࣰا فَكَرِهۡتُمُوهُۚ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ تَوَّابࣱ رَّحِیمࣱ
"O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful." (49:12)
- Ignoring or avoiding: The Quran says,
وَٱعۡتَصِمُوا۟ بِحَبۡلِ ٱللَّهِ جَمِیعࣰا وَلَا تَفَرَّقُوا۟ۚ وَٱذۡكُرُوا۟ نِعۡمَتَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَیۡكُمۡ إِذۡ كُنتُمۡ أَعۡدَاۤءࣰ فَأَلَّفَ بَیۡنَ قُلُوبِكُمۡ فَأَصۡبَحۡتُم بِنِعۡمَتِهِۦۤ إِخۡوَ ٰنࣰا وَكُنتُمۡ عَلَىٰ شَفَا حُفۡرَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱلنَّارِ فَأَنقَذَكُم مِّنۡهَاۗ كَذَ ٰلِكَ یُبَیِّنُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡ ءَایَـٰتِهِۦ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تَهۡتَدُونَ
"And hold firmly to the rope of Allah all together and do not become divided. And remember the favor of Allah upon you - when you were enemies and He brought your hearts together and you became, by His favor, brothers." (3:103)
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"It is not permissible for a man to desert his brother for more than three days such that they meet and turn away from each other. The better of them is the one who initiates salam." (Bukhari and Muslim)
- Threatening or ultimatums: The Quran says,
وَٱلَّذِینَ یُؤۡذُونَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِینَ وَٱلۡمُؤۡمِنَـٰتِ بِغَیۡرِ مَا ٱكۡتَسَبُوا۟ فَقَدِ ٱحۡتَمَلُوا۟ بُهۡتَـٰنࣰا وَإِثۡمࣰا مُّبِینࣰا
And those who unnecessarily harass Muslim men and women, have burdened themselves with slander and open sin. (33:58)
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"A believer does not taunt others, curse others or abuse others or talk indecently." (Tirmidhi)
A Muslim can do the following things instead of doing these signs of a quarrel to claim his/her rights:
- Seek justice and fairness from the authorities or the courts that are responsible for resolving disputes and enforcing the law. Islam commands us to stand up for justice and not to oppress or be oppressed. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّ ٰمِینَ بِٱلۡقِسۡطِ شُهَدَاۤءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوۡ عَلَىٰۤ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَوِ ٱلۡوَ ٰلِدَیۡنِ وَٱلۡأَقۡرَبِینَۚ إِن یَكُنۡ غَنِیًّا أَوۡ فَقِیرࣰا فَٱللَّهُ أَوۡلَىٰ بِهِمَاۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلۡهَوَىٰۤ أَن تَعۡدِلُوا۟ۚ وَإِن تَلۡوُۥۤا۟ أَوۡ تُعۡرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ خَبِیرࣰا
"O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allah, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives." (4:135)
- Seek mediation and reconciliation from trustworthy and wise people who can help settle the conflict and restore harmony. Islam encourages us to make peace and forgive one another. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
وَإِن طَاۤىِٕفَتَانِ مِنَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِینَ ٱقۡتَتَلُوا۟ فَأَصۡلِحُوا۟ بَیۡنَهُمَاۖ فَإِنۢ بَغَتۡ إِحۡدَىٰهُمَا عَلَى ٱلۡأُخۡرَىٰ فَقَـٰتِلُوا۟ ٱلَّتِی تَبۡغِی حَتَّىٰ تَفِیۤءَ إِلَىٰۤ أَمۡرِ ٱللَّهِۚ فَإِن فَاۤءَتۡ فَأَصۡلِحُوا۟ بَیۡنَهُمَا بِٱلۡعَدۡلِ وَأَقۡسِطُوۤا۟ۖ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ یُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُقۡسِطِینَ
"And if two factions among the believers should fight, then make settlement between the two. But if one of them oppresses the other, then fight against the one that oppresses until it returns to the ordinance of Allah. And if it returns, then make settlement between them in justice and act justly. Indeed, Allah loves those who act justly." (49:9)
- Seek guidance and help from Allah by praying, supplicating, fasting, giving charity, and doing good deeds. Islam teaches us to rely on Allah and seek His assistance in all our affairs. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
وَمَن یَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ یَجۡعَل لَّهُۥ مَخۡرَجࣰا
وَیَرۡزُقۡهُ مِنۡ حَیۡثُ لَا یَحۡتَسِبُۚ وَمَن یَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسۡبُهُۥۤۚ
"And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him." (65:2-3)